1) Get a helper - the helper doesn't have to be expert - a twelve-year-old will do if they follow instructions.
2) Kneel by the rear bumper while the helper operates the starter (without touching the throttle, just in case it starts). The fuel pump should whine or whirr while the starter is operating. If not, check the fuse, then the relay.
3) If you have an operating fuel pump (there is fuel in the tank, right?), get a 4' piece of rubber or plastic hose. Stick one end in your best ear, hold the other end on an injector, and have the helper turn the ignition switch on. There should be no clicking from the injectors. Have the helper operate the starter - there should be regular clicking from the injectors. If not, check the LH relay.
4) If you can get one, use an induction-pickup timing light to check for spark on each of the plug wires while the helper operates the starter. If there is no high voltage pulse, the problem may be the ignition switch, the ignition amps on the front valance panel (in front of the radiator), a faulty crank position sensor, a faulty connection, etc., etc.
In my opinion, starting the engine for short periods is a bad idea. Put a battery maintainer on the car and let it sleep...
